A day in the life of Amanda Seyfried AKA
BigEyes McBigLips.
I wake up, put on my ridiculously bright red
cloak and go off for a wander around the woodland village. My dad calls out for
me to help with some chores. Chores? Pff! I’m the main character – I ain’t got
time for that! He growls but I ignore it. Wait, wasn't he also the dad in Twilight? Nevermind…
There’s a commotion in the village. Someone has
been killed, it’s my sister! What’s more - by a werewolf! What if it was
actually someone in this village? Who could have done it? Okay so now it's a ‘whodunnit’
– pretty much for the rest of the film. Could it be my dark handsome boyfriend,
too good to be true? Or my Grandmother who has scary eyes? Or Lukas Haas who
looks far too young to be a priest? Or any of the other many characters
fretting about until Gary Oldman arrives to start chewing the scenery as the ‘werewolf
hunter’ Father Solomon.
So many red herrings! Red! Geddit? As in Red Riding Hood?… ah never mind – this
has pretty much nothing to do with the original fairytale. Feels like Twilight but with less vampires. What?
It’s by the same director? Well that explains a lot…
2004’s Ginger Snaps Back - The Beginning is a
similar movie to this but way better. Even an exclusively written song by the
awesome Fever Ray isn’t enough to
rescue this debacle.
Lets get out of here!
Exiting the village, I run through the forest as
fast as I can…but end up falling into a big hole. Ouchies! What the hell? Did
someone just dig this here? Why would they do that? Are they some kind of
deranged psycho killer? Oh wait. They totally
are!
I escaped somehow… but the ordeal is left me
mentally scarred and paranoid. I keep feeling that the psycho could be back to
kidnap me again at any minute. People think I’m crazy but I know I’m right.
And whaddaya know? He did come back! But since
I wasn't at home at the time, he took my sister instead! The cops don't think
there is anything weird about her being Gone,
and since I have a history of acting crazy and paranoid they have no reason to
believe my theories. Looks like I’ll
have to go vigilante on this one.
Just as well I have a superpower: being an
excellent liar. Seriously, the majority of my ‘investigation’ involves lying to
people in order to get information out of them or to get them to do things for
me. They should have just called this Liar:
The Movie.
Anyway, after more
running, car chases, red herrings and more lying, everything is revealed in
probably the most lackluster and least satisfying denouement of any mystery
thriller ever. Don't waste your time.
…Which is exactly what someone said to JT
before he kidnapped me. (What is it with me and being kidnapped?). Just because
he used to be in a successful boy band once, doesn't mean he can get away with
this shit, can he? I guess we’ll find out In Time…
What? He’s the star of this movie and not me?
And I have to wear this awful ginger helmet wig for the whole duration? Well
that just sucks! This movie does too – a contrived mess, trying to drag out a
single ‘clever’ sci-fi conceit into a full-length movie. Andrew Niccol, Gattacca was a masterpiece compared to
this! What happened?
Argh! None of this makes any sense! So there is
no money at all in this world, everything bought and sold for using ‘time’? Why
isn’t everyone running around everywhere instead of walking then? Why isn’t
everyone in the ghetto mugging everyone else if all it takes is to grab their
arm to steal their ‘time’? Why have they cast Cillian Murphy as a policeman?
Where are Leonard’s glasses?
All this is making my head hurt! Come on JT, I
suggest we don't worry about any of this making sense and just spend most of
the film running away from people. Damn, at this rate I’ll end up doing more
running than Tom Cruise and we all know how much he loves getting his run on!
Huff, huff… slow down JT…
Mamma Mia – I’m sick
of all this! Let’s just pack all this in and I’ll go back to singing… life was
a lot less complicated back then…
1 Feb 2013
Reading this gave me a few chortles indeed. You wouldn't be suggesting that Amanda Seyfreid only stars in terrible, teen-friendly films now would you?
ReplyDeleteI thought In Time was an okay film. Had a decent supporting cast but yeah, the two main actors were pushed to the front when they were probably the most inexperienced.
Still, glad to know I'm not missing much with not seeing the other two films then.