Films of the Year 2019 - The Alternative Awards!

       Now for the other stuff: Films of the Year 2019 - The Alternative Awards!

       If you want to just see what my Top 10 Films of 2019 were, click HERE. If you want some alternative fun categories, see below:

The 3 Most Disappointing Films of the Year
(AKA Films that I thought would be good but actually sucked.)

3) Velvet Buzzsaw

      Dan Gilroy and Jake Gyllenhaal’s previous collaboration Nightcrawler was a highlight of 2014, however Velvet Buzzsaw fails to spark. Nearly all the characters are insufferable douchebags and the movie teeters from purporting to be a clever satire of the art world to weird slasher gore at the drop of a hat.
      Gyllenhaal appears to be having fun as a snooty art critic but the film is just dull and never really appears to make its mind up about where it wants to go. A killer hobo-robot art installation sounds more interesting that it actually turns out to be.

2) Hellboy

       There was a time when Neil Marshall was riding high - from genre standouts such as The Descent and Dog Soldiers, to the competent but thrilling middle ground of Centurion and Doomsday. He even directed a few standout episodes of Game of Thrones.

The renewal of the supernatural comic book series Hellboy, with permission to make it R-rated should have been a match made in heaven. David Harbour of Stranger Things fame has been elevated to leading man status – and he is perfectly fine in this – but the rest of the film is just god awful. Much of the humour falls flat, the gratuitous CG gore and swearing seems forced and mostly comes off as misjudged and childish.

Hellboy thinks it’s edgy (it’s not), thinks it’s hilarious to give a pig-man a scouse accent (it’s not) and features some of the worst ‘british’ accents from two main characters of any film this year. Nearly the entire film is set (and presumably filmed) in the UK with an English director and yet how this somehow wasn’t flagged up as a cause for concern by anyone during production is truly puzzling. This had potential to have been a fresh start for the franchise. Alas, what a let down.

1) Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

      This is the first time I’ve left the cinema having just seen a Star Wars film and felt utterly dejected. In order to prevent spoilers I can’t go into every single detail of its many failings here but the main issue is with the overall direction the film decided to take.

Namely the film is overly concerned with course correction and fan appeasement, specifically after the vocal backlash from the so called ‘true fans’ following the release of last year’s divisive The Last Jedi directed by Rian Johnson. J J Abrams was thus brought back on board to direct and what results is a compete swing back of the pendulum from Episode VIII much to the detriment of story, character development, thematic coherence and ultimately a satisfying conclusion to this trilogy. They were so busy trying to address ‘what the fans want’ that the film hurtles along at breakneck speed in order to tie everything up. This results in most characters getting sidelined, emotional payoffs being yanked away with fake-out reversals just for effect and there is no time for a character arc or any development for anyone save Rey and Kylo Ren.

      Sure, some of the visuals are nice, John Williams score is always rousing and there are one or two moments designed to make you well up, but overall the film plays everything far too safe, lacks coherence with what came before and often reads like bad fan-fiction.
     Unfortunately the main reason why these films ultimately failed as a trilogy is that there was no clear roadmap to begin with. Each director was seemingly given free reign to go in whatever direction they wanted, often setting up questions that they did not know the answers to, or purosefully going against what the previous film did, eventually resulting in this mess. It's all just shallow pandering, fan service nostalgia and sound and spectacle but without any heart, staked or investment that would come from innately good storytelling.
     The biggest tragedy is that this ithe end for the main series Star Wars films – at least for these characters and this particular story. A huge let down.

3 Films That Were Surprisingly Pretty Alright

3) Pokémon: Detective Pikachu

      As the Pokémon franchise has enjoyed a massive resurgence in recent years, this could have been a straightforward cash grab – but it’s surprising just the how far out they have taken the concept of Pocket Monsters. A weird futuristic setting where humans and Pokémon co-exist, the Pokémon themselves designed to be pseudo photorealistic almost to the point of grotesquery but still immediately identifiable from their cartoon counterparts.
     And you get Pikachu being voiced by Ryan Reynolds! Detective Pikachu takes so many risks but manages to successfully strike a balance between being fresh and original whilst not being too far removed from the source material. Will please fans and newcomers alike.

2) Crawl

      Alexandre Aja’s creature feature surpasses its B-movie premise by being tightly focused on one location and an increasingly desperate situation – a gradually flooding house in a huge rainstorm in Florida where giant ‘gators are prowling.

     It’s lean, tense fun, with a likeable lead Brit Kaya Scodelario.

1) Fighting With My Family

      The advertising and trailers are somewhat misleading. A WWE backed film about the early career of the popular wrestler Paige, with a cameo from The Rock as himself – it looks cynical and rather niche. However it’s actually a heart-warming story of a girl from a family of wrestlers following her dreams. Florence Paige delivers a great performance both emotionally and physically. Directed by Stephen Merchant!

3 Films That People Loved but I Didn’t

3) The Irishman

      Now don’t get me wrong. It’s good enough - just way too damn long. As a film it doesn’t really start to pick up momentum until Al Pacino’s loudmouthed Jimmy Hoffa steals the show and dominates every scene he is in. I don’t have a problem with the story or the direction - it just doesn’t work all that well as a feature film, especially if you plan to watch it in a single sitting.  It was released on Netflix so why didn’t Scorcese just make it a mini-series from the start? It would have been much more digestible in smaller chunks. With all the hype behind it and Scorcese fans readily labelling it a ‘masterpiece’ I expected to be blown away by it a lot more.

2) Hustlers

      Lauded by audiences and critics alike, this one just didn’t grab me. Jennifer Lopez puts in a great performance sure, but the lead Constance Wu appears to sleepwalk throughout and Julia Stiles only gets a dull thankless role. Most of the supporting characters are forgettable and the cartoonishly drawn world where all women are glam and have a heart of gold and all men are stupid gullible pigs is decidedly one note.

      Perhaps worst of all, for a film that often centers around the glamourisation of strippers and strip clubs (as opposed to showing a more sleazy or matter of fact portrayal), the film is criminally unsexy.

1) Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

      As Tarantino is considered one of the true auteurs of Hollywood today, he pretty much has free reign to make whatever kind of film he wants. However this tends to lead to bloated, unfocussed and meandering films such as his latest: Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

It’s what I’ve been saying about Tarantino for a while now: he needs an editor. Someone to tell him ‘no’. That something is too long and too over indulgent. Don’t get me wrong, there are some enjoyable aspects here: an ode to a bygone rose tinted era of Hollywood, meticulously detailed in its recreation and a touch of melancholy for the lives of fading stars. But the whole thing is far too long (What was the point of all the Sharon Tate scenes - just to subvert  audience expectations come the end of the film? (hint: in real life she was murdered by Manson cult members).
      The final 10 minutes feels both so tonally jarring from the rest of the movie and yet so typical of Tarantino. Overall this film is overindulgent, unfocused and unsatisfying.

2019 Was the Year of De-Ageing

      Whilst the use of CG to digitally de-age actors has itself been utilised for a fair few years already, 2019 seems to be the year where it’s almost started becoming the norm. The Irishman de-aged it’s leads to various degrees of success – a lot of people noted how De Niro’s decidedly ‘old’ physical movements were incongruent with his youthful face – whereas some went almost totally unnoticed – such as the kids in It Chapter 2 having to be subtlety de-aged owing to growth spurts since the last film was shot.

      Gemini Man at times fell in to the uncanny valley with a young Will Smith looking a bit plastic in his complexion, but the best use by far was young Samuel Jackson in Captain Marvel. You never really doubted that he wasn’t actually a young Nick Fury at any point. Probably the most impressive thing about that film.

      We can only assume we are going to see more of this technology in the future – and as long as it is carried out well and doesn’t distract from the story being told, I’m all for its use.

2019 the year of Disney Live Action Remakes

      Disney appear to be on a mission to seemingly live action remake their entire back catalogue and this year we saw three of them, arguably some of their most popular properties.

      We had the most faithful transition of the three: The Lion King directed by John Favreau that, whilst technically impressive with its photorealistic animals, seemed an almost pointless remake seeing as it was a beat for beat remake and yet inferior to the original in almost every way. Plus since they are photorealistic, the animals are unable to appropriately emote, leading to a strangely dull and lifeless film.

      On the opposite end of the spectrum is the bizarro Dumbo directed by Tim Burton. Granted, there was no way they could simply remake the severely ahem ‘outdated’ original but this new version is just plain weird, especially with the latter half set in Michael Keaton’s retro-future theme park. The setting and characters are undeniably 'Tim Burton' though, so if you are a massive fan of his character and production design then this may appeal.

      Perhaps what nobody saw coming however was Aladdin being directed by Guy Ritchie. Guy Ritchie of all people! Such a strange decision. Needless to say there is almost zero stamp of his style or personality on here save for the occasional slow mo in action scenes. Plus we get to watch Will Smith gamely attempt to fill the impossibly large shoes left behind by Robin Williams. This one hits the sweet spot of being quite faithful to the original but just different enough to make it worth a watch to see what they did. Probably the best of the three.

      Still… Guy Ritchie though? I’m still baffled.

28th Dec 2019