Films of the Year 2017 - The Alternative Awards!

 

     Now for some other random stuff: Films of the Year 2017 - The Alternative Awards!

      Including such categories as: Most Disappointing Films, Films Everyone Hated But I Liked, Films Everyone Liked But I Hated and more…

      Read on to see what they are!

      Once again, this is all just my opinion and is based on this list of films that I saw last year. If you haven't already you can also check out my article for the Top 10 Films of 2017, click HERE.

The 3 Most Disappointing Films of the Year

(AKA Films that I thought would be good but actually sucked.)

3) Alien Covenant

     Alien Covenant serves as this awkward stopgap in an attempt to link Prometheus and the Alien franchise more directly. But is all this necessary? Do we really need to know more of where Xenomorphs originated from?

     Fassbender is impressive in dual roles but the rest of the film is mostly a dull slog: the characters are unlikeable, they make mindbogglingly dumb decisions (like exploring an alien planet with no helmets or masks), Noomi Rapace’s character is unceremoniously disposed of off screen, bland shaky-cam action scenes…

      What could have been set to revive the Alien legacy instead just seems to sully it – and from the guy who created it all in the first place no less. It's funny that another film this year  - Life - felt more like an Alien film that Covenant did.

2) Free Fire

     I started off liking Ben Wheatley - Kill List and Sightseers were deliciously dark, but A Field In England and High Rise kind of went off too much into the arty end to really engage me. Then comes Free Fire - billed as a Reservoir Dogs style shootout movie set in a warehouse with a great cast. Check out the trailer – boy does it look action filled!

      In actuality: yes, there is a standoff but the whole thing plays out at a slug's pace, with idiot characters (none of which are particularly likeable), crawling around behind cover having been shot multiple times and constantly yelling at each other. And that’s pretty much the whole movie. When someone (of the large cast) eventually does die you feel relieved because a) at last something is actually happening and b) you know you are at least a bit closer to reaching the end of this godawful snorefest.

1) Kingsmen: The Golden Circle

     The first Kingsmen film is a firm favourite of mine - it's a love letter to classic Bond with a cheeky wink of irreverence, with colourful characters, astute (if slightly broad) commentary on class divide and great action set pieces. And most of all it felt quintessentially British.

      The Golden Circle literally has none of that – the playfulness has now veered into the unnecessarily cartoony and grotesque, characters from the first film are unceremoniously dismissed (poor Roxy), action set pieces suffer from an overabundance of ridiculous slowmo filled matrix unreality and Eggsy lacks the satisfying development he got in the first film.
      The whole American ‘Statesmen’ angle is paper-thin as well. Pedro Pascal is great in the role (and actually quite convincing) but the rest is just filled with dumb cowboy clichés – they literally live in a giant Whiskey bottle! Enough said.
      Colin Firth is also unnecessarily brought back from the dead and anyone expecting Channing Tatum to be the Eggsy counterpart will be disappointed  - his screen time is minimal.
      There are a dozen other things I hate about this movie, but we’ll be here all day. It’s the biggest disappointment of the year for me by far.

3 Films That Everyone Hated But I Liked

3) The Great Wall

     So many people didn't even give this one a chance because of the alleged white washing controversy. I say 'alleged' as the cast is 90% Chinese (with some big names in there), at least half of the film is spoken in Mandarin, it’s Chinese directed with a Chinese production team. Matt Damon isn't playing an Asian character - nor is he being the white saviour. The film makes it explicitly clear that he can't do it all himself and that he needs to work together with the other characters in order to save the day. And yet people are so quick to jump to conclusions when the film was announced.

      It may not be the best film but it's far from terrible - it’s a colourful monster-filled fantasy adventure that features some inventive set pieces (bungee-jumping warrior squadron anyone?)
      Positive Western/Eastern film industry cooperation like this should be applauded, not to mention the fact that China is increasingly playing an important role in worldwide box office takings. Of course Matt Damon is put front and centre as this draws crowds on both sides to see the film. I'll admit his accent in this film is terrible in though – it almost changes from scene to scene!

2) Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets

     Poor Luc Besson – his recent films just haven't had the best reaction in recent times have they? (I hated Lucy). But Valerian – which was also largely maligned by critics - is actually adapted from a comic series that was the original inspiration for much of the designs for the Fifth Element. And now that the technology of today has caught up Besson's finally taken a stab at it.

      Yes the film is overlong, overstuffed with ideas and certain parts that are unfortunately seemingly derivative of Avatar - but you can't deny the sheer creativity on display here - the scope of the production design is just incredible.

      Many people didn't like Dane Dehaan in the lead but I thought he worked well - an unconventional hero whose more of a cocky rogue - basically Han Solo. Cara Delavigne also shows a surprising confidence in her performance considering she hasn't been in all that much. Their dynamic is great throughout.

      If you can forgive some of the story foibles and more cartoony elements then I would recommend a watch, just for the designs and creativity. The chase scene crashing through multiple areas of the space station is thrilling to watch, as is Rihanna’s shape shifting cabaret sequence.

1) Ghost In The Shell

     Ah geez, another film people flat out refused to watch as a result of a white washing fiasco. This one is even dumber - she’s a robot! Surely, it doesn't matter what ethnicity a synthetic human is, especially since it really makes zero difference to the story. If you even bothered to watch the film you can see their future setting is highly multicultural anyway.

      What is likely to be an even more controversial opinion is the fact that I actually prefer this new version to the original 1995 anime. It’s essentially the same story, just edited much better for time and pacing and with about two thirds of the philosophical noodling stripped out of it. The original is an important film yes, and very influential and stylish – I’m not arguing that, but you can’t deny it can be a snoozefest at times.

     2017's GITS is much better paced, has some gorgeous visuals and production design and pays plenty of homage to the original whilst introducing some new elements too. It's a decent adaption, well cast (yes, even Scarlett Johansson) and features some good action scenes. Give it a try.

3 Films That Everyone Liked But I Hated

 

     I’ve actually written about each of these earlier in the year already, so if you want to find out more about my reasoning click on the title to be linked to a previously written article.

      Instead below I’ll express my dislike of each by means of a haiku.

3) Split

McAvoy gurning

Mental illness is no joke

Cheap fan service end.

2) Hacksaw Ridge

Many dumb cliches

Help – I overdose on schmaltz

Pulling Vince on sled.

1) John Wick: Chapter 2

You blew up my house

Shooty bang bang with no end

Style over substance.

Best Child Performance

Dafne Keen (Laura in Logan)

     Most people talk about Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart’s performances in Logan – which is fair enough. But way more props need to go to Dafne Keen who seriously impresses in this role. At first you think – ok, she’s just the creepy silent kid. It’s fairly easy to do that. Then she does the annoying kid. Fair enough.

      Then she talks. She fights. She makes us cry. She’s great.

Most Ruthless Killer With A Cute Name

Calvin (Life)

     From humble beginnings Calvin grows into an unstoppable monster. This guy’s appetite for destruction and domination is unbelievable. He mutilates Ryan Reynolds from the inside out for godssakes!

     If anything this film teaches us an important lesson – don't poke alien life forms with miniature cattle prods. It will not end well.

Best CG performance work

Henry Cavill’s Digitally Erased Moustache (Justice League)

     My reaction during the very first scene of Justice League: “Jeez what is up with his mouth? Why is he doing that weird grimace? Oh god he’s smiling… Argh kill it! Kill it with fire! Aiiiiiiii…..”

      So there you have it – just some random alternative awards. If you want to check out last year’s Alternative Awards, click HERE, or check out my main Top 10 Films of 2017 article HERE.

29th Dec 2017