And the madness continues! Even MORE films
crammed into one article, following from the last one – click HERE if you
missed it.
So here we go… (Deep breath…)
We will start off with ridiculousness that is Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, a
historical/horror mash-up that asks the question of what if Honest Abe was
actually an axe-wielding scourge of vampires before he became the famous president? With a distinctly comic book
style and sleek visuals this could have been great if it had remained
tongue in cheek all the way through, but instead its tendency to take itself
too seriously at times and the occasional over reliance on CG lets it down.
Still, the ‘axe-fu’ is kinda cool. See him shatter a tree trunk with one swing!
Another film to feature vampires is Underworld: Awakening, the fourth film
in the series that really should have died a death a long time ago. Kate Beckinsale
looks to be on autopilot and the whole thing is snoozesome, murky and
predictable. Seeing her fight giant ‘roided up werewolves is kind of fun but
you unfortunately have to sit through the rest of the movie to get there.
Werewolves also feature in The Howling Reborn, actually the eighth film in the Howling franchise. The
EIGHTH! And unless you are a fan of 80’s horror, you've probably never even
heard of said franchise, amirite? Well, should have guess it – pretty shoddy. I
applaud them going for guys in rubber werewolf suits fighting each other
instead of CGI… but here it just looks like… guys in rubber werewolf suits
fighting each other. Tonally, it’s basically Twilight but substituting the vampires for werewolves and the big
budget for… no budget.
Also featuring werewolves (yet again) is British film Strippers Vs Werewolves starring mostly
washed up soap stars and for some reason Robert Englund. Perhaps the entire
budget went on paying for the two scenes that he was in as this film is so shoddy it’s unbelievable. Its
bad in all ways imaginable - but perhaps its biggest sin is that for a film
that has the word ‘Strippers’ in the title, there is a distinct lack of
stripping. Poor show.
Maybe I shouldn’t watch any more films that have werewolves in… but
instead watch one with Piranhas! Piranha 3DD, the rather childishly named sequel to the hit remake Piranha 3D, is at least a bit more fun.
But not by much. It's a watered down (no pun intended) version of the first
film – its only saving grace being Champ Kind as the obnoxious owner of the featured
water park and David Hasselhoff gamely playing a ridiculous parody of himself. The less that can be said of the
part where one of the little nippers interrupts a sex scene in the worst way
imaginable, the better.
What is a better way to
spend you time is watching Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel, a British comedy that deals with three
friends accidentally getting stuck in a time travel conundrum whilst down at
the local pub. If you are a fan of sci-fi, British comedy or indeed anything
time travel related, then you will love the intricacy and downright nerdery of
this one. Anna Faris amazingly guest stars in this as well. Quirky and
enjoyable.
Anna Farris is also in The Dictator, another film featuring a ridiculously offensive character created
by the chameleonic genius that is Sacha Baron Cohen. Whilst being largely
puerile, a not-so-disguised political satire poking fun at both East and West
and, as i mentioned, being repeatedly really offensive, its actually pretty funny and had me guffawing
out loud in many places. Make sure you watch the extended version, just for the
awesomely ridiculous Aladeen vs Etra fight.
Plenty of punch-ups of the cartoon variety can also be seen in one of
DC Comic’s latest animated movies, Superman Vs The Elite, where Supes has to contend with the rise to power of a new
group of superheroes looking to replace him as guardians of the world. Despite
some dodgy ‘British’ accents, this offering is pretty decent and is worth a
watch if you are a fan of the Man of Steel.
A similarly worthwhile watch is Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1, the first in a two part film adaptation of
Frank Miller’s seminal 1986 comic series that sees an elderly Batman coming out
of retirement to defend Gotham once again. Very influential back in the day
(elements of the story have undoubtedly influenced Nolan’s Batman) and it’s
great that they have finally got around to adapting it. Although some of the
80’s stylings of the villains and their slang may seem a bit dated now and some
fans expressing a dislike for Paul Weller’s voice acting (replacing Batman
regular Kevin Conroy), this film is recommended for any Bat-fans as it nails
the essence of the character so well. Having a female Robin is also a really
interesting move too that totally works.
At first glance, Griff The Invisible appears to be just another budget superhero movie, but in actually
fact it’s so much more - dealing with disillusion, fantasy worlds and mental
illness. Intelligent, sweetly humorous and at times downright heartbreaking –
watch it if you are a fan of indie movies, but you probably wont enjoy it so
much if you like your superhero movies simple and comicbooky.
What is very comicbooky is the monumental failure that is Green Lantern. As a fan of the character
I was really looking forward to this film but unfortunately it is marred by an
unfocused story and drab set pieces. To be fair, Ryan Reynolds has a decent stab
at bringing Hal Jordan to life, but it all just seems a bit slow to get going and rushed at the end. When the big finale is a fight against a CGI cloud you know you've got a bit of a stinker on
your hands. It's a shame that since it bombed so badly at the box office a
sequel (where Mark Strong’s Sinestro would undoubtedly be the villain) is unlikely to happen – not to mention a Justice League movie getting
pushed away into the future.
Also featuring Mark Strong is the adaptation of
the Edgar Rice Burroughs epic Princess of
Mars, first changed to John Carter of
Mars and finally just being released as John Carter. Marketing nightmares aside, this film also bombed spectacularly at
the box office despite its impressive visuals, being well acted and with a big
name cast to boot. I guess the current climate of movie watchers just isn’t
receptive to this kind of thing. Taylor Kitsch is good in the lead despite
being yanked around in a harness for most of the movie. Wish I could jump like
that…
Taylor Kitsch also stars in Battleship, an alien invasion film
(very) loosely based on the classic Hasbro game of the same name. Whilst being
largely dire popcorn nonsense, I liked how the alien ‘ships’ strangely jumped
around. Cheeky nods to the game also come in the form of the
enemy shells being like ‘pegs’ and a sequence where they literally have to map
out the sea in a grid (like in the game) and yell out ‘hit’ or ‘miss’. A few
interesting moments here and there but largely forgettable, much like the Transformers films – all sound and fury,
little substance. Oh, and Rihanna is in it.
Also featuring ships on the seas is the new
film from Aardman Animations called The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! If you are a fan of Wallace and
Gromit, stop motion animation or even pirates in general you will love this.
Much like The Curse of the Were-Rabbit,
nearly every frame is filled with a sight gag or charm of some kind and the
jokes fly thick and fast, enjoyable for both adults and children alike. Thoroughly
recommended!
Also featuring ships is the latest adaptation
of The Three Muskateers – but here they’re
airships flying in the sky - Final
Fantasy style! Whilst sporting a good cast (barring the thoroughly
unlikeable portrayal of D’Artagnan by Logan Lerman) the story just feels – well
…’meh’ – which is a shame since the visuals and sword fighting scenes are fun
and stylishly over the top. Orlando Bloom gets a plum role here.
Porthos, the ‘brawny’ Muskateer, is played by
Ray Stevenson - who also stars in Punisher: Warzone – the latest in the line of adaptations of the brutal Marvel Comics
character. The Punisher films have always focused on the character’s no-nonsense
brand of harsh justice and Warzone is
no exception. Stevenson, who embodies the character perhaps more physically
than Tom Jane, puts in a good performance, but his realistic portrayal (they
even minimized the skull T-shirt motif) sits at odds tonally with the overblown
comic book villain with a patchwork face - played terrifyingly effectively by Dominic West.
Another film that suffers from a slightly unbalanced
tone is Man on a Ledge, which is
basically about a man… standing on a ledge of a building threatening to jump.
Except (spoiler alert) it’s really just a diversion so that a heist can occur
in a nearby building. Although an intriguing premise, it sometimes feels like
two different films that don't quite gel so well together. One being a heartfelt
drama, the other almost playing out like a lighthearted comedy romp. Still,
worth watching once just to find out whether Sam Worthington ends up
jumping or not and also for Genesis Rodriguez and her unnecessarily skimpy
heist ‘outfits’.
Choosing the perfect outfit is also what preoccupies
Charlize Theron in Young Adult, where
she plays a women who, despite her immaculate beauty regimen, doesn't realize
that the real problem lies with the lack of her inward beauty as she goes on an
ill advised quest to reclaim her high school sweetheart. Who is married. And
has a baby on the way. Sounds like a terrible film – but the script written by
Diablo Cody and direction by Jason Reitman make the characters and dialogue
fizzle, leading to one of my surprise favorites of the year. Theron does well sustaining
the focus on her character throughout the entire film despite being a thoroughly
unlikeable one and there is strong support from Patrick Wilson and Patton
Oswalt. Recommended.
What I can’t recommend
is Chernobyl Diaries, a film devoid
of any genuine scares or horror. The set up is a good idea (I have always found
abandoned places such as Pripyat to be fascinating) and the build up has a
little bit of tension (in a Hills Have
Eyes kind of way), but there is no pay off to be had as you don't care
about any of the characters and none of them get killed in any interesting
ways.
Equally disappointing is haunted bungalow movie
The Pact, which again, despite its
effective set up just ends up being really dull for the majority. There are
only two genuinely creepy scenes in the whole movie but its nice to see an
older Casper Van Dien get a role in this.
Surprisingly effective is horror anthology V/H/S, a collection of 6 short films
based loosely on the idea of them all being filmed on handheld cameras, hidden
camera or webcams - and then later converted to VHS. Although ‘found footage’ horror
is nothing new, the intimacy of the format works really well here, and as each
segment is fairly short the buildup and payoff of each story comes around
pretty quickly, effectively maintaining your interest throughout. Fans of low
budget horror anthologies will love this. Watching this alone in the dark will
surely creep you out.
Don't Be Afraid of the Dark’s premise is these tiny goblin-like creatures that come
out at night and terrorize a little girl in a big house. Despite being produced
by Guillermo Del Toro and starring Guy Pierce and Katie Holmes, this film takes
a bit too long to get going, however the child actor is strangely effective and
the creatures suitable vicious. They are overly reliant on CG for them though
and perhaps some puppetry would have added a bit more realism. Still, when they
are coming at you with scissors and scalpels they are reet nasty!
Speaking of nasty, Deadgirl delivers that in spades, as the story is about a couple of
kids that find a girl tied to a table in an underground bunker who, much like a
zombie, cannot speak and unable to die. At first they just poke and prod out of
curiosity, but things escalate quickly to untold horrors. Decent and original
movie if you can stomach it – the real monsters in the film being human nature of course.
Human nature is also studied in Ben Drew AKA
Plan B’s big screen directorial debut Ill Manors, which follows the stories of various characters as they cross paths
in East London. Taking a look at crime, gang culture, drug dealing and
prostitution – it's a very bleak movie indeed and yet Drew continues to keep
things interesting, interjecting every so often with his narration via rapping.
My only criticism with this is that although he knows how to make individual
scenes effective, the film as a whole lacks an overall arc or purpose other
than saying ‘look at how bad life is here’. A strong debut nevertheless.
Red Lights, a film about paranormal investigators debunking psychics and
mediums is also an interesting watch with a great central cast of Cillian
Murphy, Sigourney Weaver and Robert DeNiro. The ending twist may come out of
leftfield a little too much for some, but personally I loved it – I just feel
they should have integrated it a bit more into the rest of the movie so it isn’t
quite as jarring when it eventually does get revealed.
Con artists also feature in The Brothers Bloom, a quirky film about two
brothers, one of which falls for the mark that they are supposed to be conning.
Directed by Rian Johnson, who also directed Brick
and Looper (the review of which can
be read HERE) this film is probably the weakest of the three but is enjoyable
enough – with Adrien Brody, Mark Ruffalo and Rachel Weisz all on top form. It’s
Rinko Kikuchi, however, that steals every scene she is in as the silent
Japanese explosives expert named ‘Bang Bang’.
The Japanese influence of Battle Royale can obviously be seen in the film adaptation of
the hit book The Hunger Games. All
the debate as to whether or not author Suzanne Collins did rip off BR aside, the film itself comes across
as kind of muted, having to be violent enough to live up to the source material
(a story about kids having to kill each other) whilst having to be toned down enough in
order to allow the target audience of young teens to be able to go and watch it. For me, watching it was a very
so-so experience, but as a BR fan I
will admit I am biased. Still, this film was a hit and sequels are inevitably
in the works.
Speaking of hit games, Tekken: Blood Vengeance is a CG animated movie featuring characters
from the popular Tekken series.
Whilst there are one or two decent fights in there (Anna vs Nina! Three way
battle between Jin, Kazuya and Heihachi!), there is way too much dreary filler
throughout the rest of the film to warrant taking the time to watch this. Just
YouTube the relevant scenes (for example HERE) and save yourself the bother.
Similarly, is the second Resident Evil animated movie, Resident Evil: Damnation. A little
better than the Tekken movie, but
still not interesting enough to sustain the feature length running time, in my
opinion. The Lickers vs Tyrants at the end is epic and there’s also a
female kung-fu president but that's about it. Fans of the franchise should definitely check
it out but for those not that knowledgeable about the Resident Evil game series should probably avoid.
So there you have it – 29 films! …I think I need
a lie down…
Until next time, folks!
8 Nov 2012
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