A few seconds, that was all it took; the camera was gone, and my only chance of success with it. As I watched it tumble down into the gaping ravine below, I knew the film within would never be recovered. More importantly, I had to grab on to something fast or I too would share a similar fate to that of my Kodak SLR.
My arms wind-milled almost
comically as I flailed wildly in an attempt to maintain my balance. Too late!
My footing abandoned me and I tumbled backwards over the cliff edge. Is this
it? Is this finally the end for super sleuth journalist Archibald Abergast?
Not
likely.
Out of the ether came a hand to
rescue me – big and strong and… hairy? No, it couldn't be! It was my arch
nemesis, the evil Professor Luther-Dexter, the wide grin taunting me through
his bushy black beard. Gripping my wrist tightly he held me up, legs dangling over
the chasm, relishing this moment of complete power.
“At last Abergast! How I have
yearned for this day!”
I struggled in vain.
“Damn you Luther-Dexter! I should
have known you were behind this…”
He cackled loudly.
“But of course! Did you think that
the massive avalanche that swept you out here was an accident? Or that it was a
mere coincidence that the swamp you waded through was filled with mutant
piranhas? Did you really think that a robotic Tyrannosaurus Rex is a product of
Mother Nature? You fool!”
“I knew something seemed
suspicious! That sentient weather cloud following me around – was that your
doing too?”
“Aye!”
“…And the two-headed fire-breathing
dragon chickens… grown in your labs, I presume?”
“Naturally…”
“…And the guys in purple jumpsuits
wielding ray guns that turned your hair ginger?”
“Who else could be so utterly
gifted?”
“…Wait a second. You put
that turd through the letter box of my log cabin? You know it stained the rug,
right? That was a really expensive! You owe me a new rug, asshole!”
“Er… no that wasn't me. That's
actually kind of gross… …But now I wish I had thought of that… Mwahahaha! Anyway,
now that you've lost your precious photographic evidence of all my criminal operations,
you have nothing. You ARE nothing! Enough talk! Farewell, Abergast!”
And with that he let go.
Luckily, my cat-like reflexes
served me well and I managed to grab onto the ledge as I fell. It was only one
hand, but I was strong enough. What I didn't count on was the Professor’s boot
coming down hard on top of it.
“Die! Die!” he yelled maniacally,
stomping wildly.
Quick as a flash I reached up with
my other hand and grabbed onto his boot. He tried to shake me off but my
vice-like grip remained resolute.
“You think that will save you,
little man?” he laughed, quickly undoing his laces. He kicked off his boot but
I anticipated his move and latched onto his thick woollen sock instead.
“Seriously?”
He wriggled his leg desperately,
making the sock start to slide off his foot.
“Gah! …What the…?”
The sock was off, but now I had
grabbed onto his foot. His toes were hairy and hard with calluses - but I had
little choice.
“Damn you…. Let go!”
“Never! Just as Good will never
let go… of the fight to defeat Evil!”
“That doesn’t even make sense…!
He was getting desperate - I could
see it in his eyes.
It was then that he pulled out his
ace in the hole. Reaching down, he unlatched a strap on his leg, releasing it
in its entirety. A fake leg! If I weren’t so preoccupied with my imminent doom
I would have taken more time to ponder why he would go to the lengths of having
a fake leg with hair and calluses on its foot.
It was then I remembered my
prototype hang-glider gadget concealed in my belt buckle. These Deus Ex Machina Products certainly lived up to their name, I
thought to myself as I pressed the switch, releasing the contraption. Professor
Luther-Dexter looked on enraged as the wings caught the air, sweeping me to
safety.
“I’ll get you Abergast! This isn’t
over yet!” he bellowed, the figure hopping up and down on one leg slowly
getting smaller as I glided further away.
“You owe me a new rug, asshole!” I
retorted.
His voice echoed as the distance
between us grew.
“I told you, that wasn't meeeeeeeeeee……….!”
30th August 2012
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