Friday, 1 February 2013

Amanda Seyfried Triple Bill: A day in the life of BigEyes McBigLips

       A day in the life of Amanda Seyfried AKA BigEyes McBigLips.

        I wake up, put on my ridiculously bright red cloak and go off for a wander around the woodland village. My dad calls out for me to help with some chores. Chores? Pff! I’m the main character – I ain’t got time for that! He growls but I ignore it. Wait, wasn't he also the dad in Twilight? Nevermind…

        There’s a commotion in the village. Someone has been killed, it’s my sister! What’s more - by a werewolf! What if it was actually someone in this village? Who could have done it? Okay so now it's a ‘whodunnit’ – pretty much for the rest of the film. Could it be my dark handsome boyfriend, too good to be true? Or my Grandmother who has scary eyes? Or Lukas Haas who looks far too young to be a priest? Or any of the other many characters fretting about until Gary Oldman arrives to start chewing the scenery as the ‘werewolf hunter’ Father Solomon.

        So many red herrings! Red! Geddit? As in Red Riding Hood?… ah never mind – this has pretty much nothing to do with the original fairytale. Feels like Twilight but with less vampires. What? It’s by the same director? Well that explains a lot… 

       2004’s Ginger Snaps Back - The Beginning is a similar movie to this but way better. Even an exclusively written song by the awesome Fever Ray isn’t enough to rescue this debacle.
        Lets get out of here!

        Exiting the village, I run through the forest as fast as I can…but end up falling into a big hole. Ouchies! What the hell? Did someone just dig this here? Why would they do that? Are they some kind of deranged psycho killer? Oh wait. They totally are!

        I escaped somehow… but the ordeal is left me mentally scarred and paranoid. I keep feeling that the psycho could be back to kidnap me again at any minute. People think I’m crazy but I know I’m right.

        And whaddaya know? He did come back! But since I wasn't at home at the time, he took my sister instead! The cops don't think there is anything weird about her being Gone, and since I have a history of acting crazy and paranoid they have no reason to believe my theories. Looks like I’ll have to go vigilante on this one.
       Just as well I have a superpower: being an excellent liar. Seriously, the majority of my ‘investigation’ involves lying to people in order to get information out of them or to get them to do things for me. They should have just called this Liar: The Movie.

        Anyway, after more running, car chases, red herrings and more lying, everything is revealed in probably the most lackluster and least satisfying denouement of any mystery thriller ever. Don't waste your time.

        …Which is exactly what someone said to JT before he kidnapped me. (What is it with me and being kidnapped?). Just because he used to be in a successful boy band once, doesn't mean he can get away with this shit, can he? I guess we’ll find out In Time

        What? He’s the star of this movie and not me? And I have to wear this awful ginger helmet wig for the whole duration? Well that just sucks! This movie does too – a contrived mess, trying to drag out a single ‘clever’ sci-fi conceit into a full-length movie. Andrew Niccol, Gattacca was a masterpiece compared to this! What happened?
        Argh! None of this makes any sense! So there is no money at all in this world, everything bought and sold for using ‘time’? Why isn’t everyone running around everywhere instead of walking then? Why isn’t everyone in the ghetto mugging everyone else if all it takes is to grab their arm to steal their ‘time’? Why have they cast Cillian Murphy as a policeman? Where are Leonard’s glasses?

        All this is making my head hurt! Come on JT, I suggest we don't worry about any of this making sense and just spend most of the film running away from people. Damn, at this rate I’ll end up doing more running than Tom Cruise and we all know how much he loves getting his run on!

        Huff, huff… slow down JT… 
        Mamma Mia – I’m sick of all this! Let’s just pack all this in and I’ll go back to singing… life was a lot less complicated back then…

1 Feb 2013


1 comment:

  1. Reading this gave me a few chortles indeed. You wouldn't be suggesting that Amanda Seyfreid only stars in terrible, teen-friendly films now would you?

    I thought In Time was an okay film. Had a decent supporting cast but yeah, the two main actors were pushed to the front when they were probably the most inexperienced.

    Still, glad to know I'm not missing much with not seeing the other two films then.